Intense Dream

I do not usually write about my dreams on here, but the one I just woke up from was so intense and unusual that I feel like I should. As soon as I woke up, I realized I was crying tears of real pain, pain I had felt during the dream. As most dreams do, mine had several different parts. The first took place in a Sunday morning service and my church. For some reason, instead of sitting in chairs, all the congregation was lying in beds. The difference between me and the rest of the congregation was that I had no clothes on. I was very aware of this, and confused as to why I was not dressed! Then it happened...the preacher asked everyone to stand up while he read a passage of Scripture. Sure enough, everyone else stood up, right on top of their beds. But they had clothes on. Not me. I did not get out of that bed, because I knew I would be exposed. I stayed under the covers, hoping no one would notice. Now, I know that some dreams are just nonsense and can't really have much deeper meaning. But this dream seems packed full of meaning. Do I avoid "standing up" in light of the Truth being read/spoken/shown for fear of being exposed? I did not think I did...but I suppose I have before. I think everyone has felt that way. But why would God show me this now? The second part of this dream was painful. The kind where you feel it in your heart, and your head is pounding when you wake up. In it, I was one sister in a group of about four children, apparently on our own, in a strangers yard, trying to find our way home. The family who lived on that land found us and trapped us in (it's strange, but hey it's a dream) one of those free standing porch swings. Their son would regularly come and taunt us, call us terrible things and threaten us. My brother somehow build a small fire underneath one of the legs of the swing (it did not grow or burn the swing) and that made the son angry, so he went to tell his parents. When they came out of the house, they let us out of our trap, and we discovered that there were many more children there, all scared and imprisoned like us. Only now, we were not held in by anything but our fear of getting hurt if we tried to run away. It became night time, and a fire was built. I came up with the idea of building a fire like my brother did, hoping that somehow it would help us get free. I gathered a few rocks, and set them on a picnic table. The horrible son noticed and started asking me questions, threatening to hit me if I tried anything funny. We began to argue about how mean and unfair he was. I told him that he would never be able to keep good relationships because he was so selfish. That made him mad, and he went to get his parents. They came out and threatened me, along with all of the other children there. The woman in particular was very frightening and cruel, saying things that cut to the heart. I cried and asked her to stop, I had not done anything to deserve this treatment. She apparently thought I did, so she got even worse. She handed me a pitch fork and told me fight her son. I knew what she was doing, so I said NO. He had a shovel and came at me. Terrified, I swung in order to defend myself. I grazed his cheek and drew blood. I dropped to the ground and apologized, crying and begging them to have mercy, to stop. I knew they would not. The woman and her husband went into the house and started coming out with a chair and a rope. I heard another child cry, "they're going to whip her! They'll whip her to shreds!" It was at that point that I turned to run. I saw all the faces of the other children, looking at me in fear and pity. I heard the horrible family yelling at me and coming for me. I could not move.I could not do anything but sob. I woke up sobbing. I don't know what all this means, but it reminds me of the Isrealites in Egypt. Sorry for the length and unpleasantness. I had to write it down.

Oh how He Teaches

It's been a while. Many significant things have happened since I last wrote, and I guess there were so many that I forgot to write them down. Or rather, to type them :) It seems like each time I decide to record something important in writing, all the other things going on in my head want to come out at the same time. You know how they say that you should learn from your mistakes, and that you never stop learning? Boy is that right. At least the second part. I try to learn from my mistakes but after a while, I find myself asking, "Didn't I just get over learning this the hard way? Why am I facing this problem again?" Without fail, these challenges to my maturity, self-discipline, and or patience are much less complicated than I let them become in my mind. I freak out and stress about things that end up being simple. Every time! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO LEARN THIS?!! Alright, now that I got my confusion written down, it's time to reflect and remind myself of how God sees it. That's one great thing about Him - He never lets me stay in my downer thoughts for long. I'll go to say something depressing or complain about how bad I feel, and He'll remind me of something that gives me hope. I don't want to make other people feel down by writing those things. I've been given GRACE, so everything I put out there should reflect that. In this case, I'm reminded that God knows my better than I know myself. He knows what I need to know, and how much I will have to learn it before I actually GET IT. He does not do it to hurt me or annoy me. He does it because He loves me and want me to grow. He teaches me out of love. And then He tests me out of the same love. It doesn't feel like love, for sure. But He's always there to hold me when I'm crying...even while He's pointing out the things that need to change in me. He is direct and honest, willing to intrude upon my "personal" space. And He is gentle and loving at the same time. HE IS THE PERFECT FRIEND.

Today, today, today...it snowed all day long. Living on a hill makes weather more extreme, so we had 5 inches by 6 pm while down in the village they had 1/2 an inch. The trees and lilac bushes are already green, and with this unexpected abundance of snow, they are weighed down. It is a strange sight for sure. So unnatural, even disturbing. This reminded me of myself, and what happens when I lose focus of God. My Creator has ensured that I have room to grow, fertile soil to live in, and light to feed from. Because of His love, I have grown day by day into a healthy, green plant. He takes pride in me and loves to look at me. I have every reason to be happy and peaceful. But, sometimes an unexpected storm comes. Heavy troubles and concerns weigh down on me until my young leaves are hidden and my countenance changes. Everything around me is clouded and weighed down so that my vision gets blurred. My Creator knows that the storm has hit me hard, but He is not worried. He knows that a warm breeze is coming my way, with sunshine to melt the heavy snow. He controls the storms, after all. My take o the situation is different. All I see is the snow, and it is still falling. All I feel is the weight of my circumstances. I cannot feel the warm rays of sunlight, and I begin to believe that they will never come again. I feel that I am alone. My happiness turns into self-pity and my singing into crying. Just as I cannot predict surprise snowstorms that come in late April, we cannot know or understand when storms will come our way in life. But nothing is a surprise to our Creator! When our focus on Him gets blocked or swayed by storms (big or small), His focus on us remains steady! We may feel alone and abandoned. We may see nothing but the difficulties around us. God, the one who planted us and ensured our growth, sees what we do not. He sees how we will be after the storm, when we have cried out to Him. He knows that Spring is coming! When it does, we will be all the more beautiful because our Planter has seen us through.

Becoming an adult?

I have succeeded in accomplishing one, and now two of what my father calls "Passages into Adulthood". For the last four or so months, the majority of my income has gone into putting gasoline into my car. Today, I went off the road into a ditch and had to have it towed out. If all of the passages into adulthood are like this, I think I'd rather go back to being a kid.
It's funny though, even as I was sliding on the road, and down into the ditch, I thought, "I don't think the car is going to flip over." I was scared for sure, but somehow I knew that I was going to be alright. A little peace in the midst of a storm, you know? I did feel shocked, and now trying to remember what happened...I don't know how my car ended up facing the opposite direction from which I was coming. All I remember is praying out loud, "No Jesus, please!", losing control of the car, and being shaken and bumped as I went down. Horrifying. But I am alive. My car is fixable. No one else got hurt.
Of course, I did not feel this calm and positive during the hour that followed the accident. After sitting in a kind police woman's car for about 20 minutes, I got into my mother's car and cried. hard. I was ashamed that I forgot how to handle my car. I was sorry for causing damage to my first car. I felt guilty for bringing another expense to my family. I was disappointed that I could not make it to my internship or my best friend's house. I had been holding in my shock, so that people passing by and the police would not feel too much pity for me. I am independent, I don't like to attract attention(Good luck with that, being off the road on an on-ramp to Rt 490).
When I first got out of my car, I saw the damage done and right away thanked God that I was unharmed. Knowing people who have been in accidents and gotten seriously injured, I was very grateful that I was protected!
That was my day. Since then I have stayed inside; no desire to go anywhere :)

So what's next God?

Admiration Gone Astray

I just finished watching a movie about the man who assassinated Jesse James. Yes, Jesse James who killed 17 plus men and robbed 25 trains and banks in the 1880's. Not the kind of person who you'd want to cross. Not the world's most merciful or benevolent man. Yet this film made you see beyond his infamous acts. His humanity was portrayed in a way that made you almost feel sorry for him, and despise the man who killed him. Yet you also felt sorry for the assassin, for they portrayed his humanity and very hard choices he had to make. He was a member of Jesse's gang, and a long time, hard-core admirer of the outlaw. Like a young boy obsessed with Batman or Spiderman, Bob Ford tried his hardest to be like his hero. To win Jesse James' respect was Ford's goal, so that he too could be noticed for his courage and skill. But when the respect was not given, and jealousy mixed with suspicion, the admiration turned into crippling fear and hate. His hero became his enemy and his desire for fame overrode his loyalty. And so Bob Ford took it upon himself to carry out what some a man's final judgment. The murderer was killed, by another murderer.

Knowing that this story is true, that those people actually existed and lived and died in that way, has a sobering effect on me. After trying and failing to determine which man was more wrong, or who was more deserving, or innocent, I realize something. When you exalt another person to a place of greatness in your eyes, no matter how good or noble that person is, it has the potential, if not the guarantee, to turn to obsession. No human being is greater than his human nature (only God is), and when that hero falls, you are apt to fall in like manner. I do not mean that you will willingly go and do the same exact bad things. However, if your respect for your fallen hero turns to disgrace or bitterness, you are just as capable of doing the same evil as the person you are embarrassed of. Fear grips every heart that has lost its role model, and if not harnessed, that fear can poison the heart to the point of destruction of self or others. This is why you must not place your life's focus on any human being. Dedication, loyalty, love, passion, these are qualities which are good and even necessary. However, be careful that those qualities do not overpower honesty, integrity and humbleness. Praise was not made to be given to men, but to God. Obsession with anything but God is dangerous, because all other things are bound to fail you and thus put you in danger of following suite.

To anyone reading this, let me ask you a few questions. These are also questions which I must ask myself. If you heard two names - the name of someone you loved and respected and admired (a spouse, friend,role model, or even a hobby), and the name of Jesus Christ - at which name would your heart leap? Which person (or thing) would you have more to say about to others? Which one would you spend the rest of the day thinking about?

Which one would you follow til the end of your days?

Which one is more worthy?

Which one will bring you life when all else in you has died?

Thanks-giving

So it's Thanksgiving Day. My brother is home from Virginia for the weekend, they sky is pink and purple, there's a fire in the wood stove, the table is set (we never eat in the dining room unless it's a holiday - go figure). These are all wonderful things which I appreciate, but apart from these in-the-moment pleasures I can't help but think of all that I have been truly blessed with. It is so easy for me to focus on the not-so-nice things, the painful parts of life. For some reason those stay with me more. But in the big-picture version of my life, there have been far many more great things than bad things. For every hardship, God has shown up with three blessings (estimated amount)to counter it.

He has given me a car that I had no money of my own to buy. He has given me a job that allows me to work with kids, which I thought I would never get because I don't have a degree.I fully believe that this is an answer to the prayers of two wonderful women that I met in Peru. I had no faith, but they declared it in faith. Thank you Lord for hearing them!

He has saved my heart from becoming calloused because of failed love relationships. Not only that, but He has opened my eyes to forgive, and see that a large part of the hurt was caused by my pride and not by the other people. God is working on all of us,and sometimes, because we are weak humans, we do stupid things during those lessons. This being the case, what is the point of holding grudges? I do not want to build a wall out of my pride that was hurt by a confused soul.

Because of His love and wisdom, I have lived in the country that I longed to see since I was a small child. I had no idea just how impactful it would be to go on the journey by myself - His presence became my life-preserver. He put me in the home of a man and woman who had lost their daughter when she was just a baby. She was born two years before me. When I came to them, I became their daughter. I found family in every face, in every embrace I encountered. It is the best feeling I've known, to be loved and give love in a place far from this small,selfish world called the United States.

Please friends. The next time you can't see the happiness in your life, when you are feeling like there's too much sorrow to handle - think of the big picture of your life. There are things much greater than your heartaches, and if you focus on those things, you will find your heart lifted.

Sour turned to Sweet

Friendships that have wide gaps of time and distance between them make reunion seem all the sweeter. For seven months my perspective on a particular friend was formed majorly by the perspective of others. Though I loved this friend dearly, so much of my thoughts involving her had been brought on by, or caused pain because of the source from which they came. I have longed desperately to see my friend face to face and to speak to her, free of filters. I knew that if I could hug her for myself, not through the thoughts and feelings of another, things would not be so painful.

I got to see my friend yesterday. I almost cried as we hugged, out of sheer relief and joy at seeing her myself! I felt healing come even in that short time, and all I could think of was, not the pain I had felt for so long, but the love and preciousness of my dear friend! To know her as she is, not as she was. Oh,all that jealousy I felt was such a waste of engery! She has never intentionally made me feel unimportant or less beautiful. That was my imagination fueled by pain. By pride. I let the effect she had on another taint our friendship in my mind. But oh Jesus! I can't help but smile now :)

Those feelings, those thoughts... they're all in the past, and I have no reason to look back. No reason! My Jesus, my God, He has offered me the chance of a lifetime: to look on His face and follow Him, wherever He leads me!! What an adventure! I am aware that adventure entails joy, sorrow, brokenness, excitement, hope, doubt, fear, confidence, darkness and light. I know that my faith will be tested and strengthened. But I am eager to see it happen because piece by piece, God is showing me just how free I am in Him. He has restored friendship to its rightful condition, and is in the process of wooing my heart back to where it should be: in His hands.

Thank you Father for loving me so much that You have given my heart rest. You let me rest in Your arms while you teach me the hard lessons. Thank You!