More than Enough in my Not Enough

Why do my thoughts waster their time on this? It's old, no longer existent, pointless to hold on to. Memories can be cherished yes, but if they hold me back then I would rather forget. I need to move on not just in my actions but in my thoughts as well. I even had a dream about it last night. In it, memories became the now; I was happy and hopeful that it was real. But when light shown through my eyelids and I woke up, it was realized to be a dream, and I felt ashamed.What is keeping me from forgetting? Are these wishes, that I wish I did not have, going to stop? Is there a purpose for them? If not, I implore God to take them.
I would not mind these thoughts and dreams so much if the possibility of their reality was not out of sight. If I could detect the slightest hint of warmness or caring...but I feel none.

God, I don't know if this is Your doing or not. I've laid down my heart and my understanding. I want to please You, I want to follow You, I want to be devoted to You alone. My mind is haunted by happiness that I can't have, at least not that kind of happiness. Oh Father, show me, remind me again of what real happiness is! Joy that never passes, that brings LIFE to my very soul! Jesus Christ is the only One I need, and He is MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME. This does not mean He is enough for just the basic, necessary, boring stuff. He gives me even the little things that I long for, like love and romance and acceptance and just being able to be myself.

That is what it means when I say He is more than enough for me. He is more than enough for you, too. He knows how to melt your heart, because you melt His. He knows how to keep your trust, for He is always faithful. He knows how to hold your hand and make you feel like you'll live forever, because He is LIFE.

Lone beauty

Fresh or stale?

I noticed that the majority of my posts are about me. Go figure, right? It's my blog, so why not have things written about me? But even so, I can't help but think that all the sad, emotional, FEELING things I have written are overplayed? I am a girl, but that does not give me some certification to limit the blog-world to viewing only my self-assessment rantings. Now, I could try to draw your interest by making up a colorful story about some random animal or person I don't know - but that is not me. I should not pretend to be something I am not. There are so many people in this world,and each one of us has something good to offer. How often do we offer stale bread because we try to be like the "interesting" people? If we all try to be interesting in ways that are borrowed from another person's personality, the bread is stale! It's old news! A waste of the uniqueness that God put inside of you on purpose! Of course, this is about more than your writing style :) The things I write about and think about are going to be different than the next woman or man (more likely different than the man ;) At the same time, I want to bring more to the table than my diary entries. I want to offer fresh bread, inspired not by others, or by my emotions, but by my Creator.

Somehow He loves me

This day has presented me with heartache beyond my coping level. I have broken down silently inside and out loud in a gas station parking lot. My self pity and loneliness have made me forget the one steady thing in my life - God. He's watched me every moment, holding my hand while I cry, listening to me complain and ask Him the same questions over and over. He's gazed at me with compassion as I pour out my heart in worship and dance, loving me more than I can ever realize. Why He has not given up on me, gotten fed up with me, I cannot understand.
Somehow, He loves me. He loves me in my good and bad times. He loves me when I smile and when I frown. He loves me when I'm laughing and when I'm crying. He loves me when I love Him and when I ignore Him. God longs for me every single moment. He waits excitedly for me to come and spend time with Him. He has eyes only for me. He thinks that I am the most beautiful girl in the world! He will defend and protect me from those who seek to hurt me. He gave His life to protect me.

Heartache

They told me to be careful,
that I should guard my heart.
But of course I did not hear them,
and now I feel I'm falling apart.

We tried to keep some distance,
to make sure that this was right.
But in that we came to realize,
we still were holding tight.

So with time we grew closer,
till our hearts were intertwined.
Or at least that's how I thought it was,
until you said your heart was not mine.

Everything makes me miss you,
such a familiar feeling.
And every time I catch myself,
my conscience goes reeling.

I know I must move on from you,
no sense in clinging to the past.
I just truly hope that this heartache
is el fin, final, last.

Why?

So basically my life has been a prime example of that wonderful roller coaster that we all know and not so much love. Sometimes I am able to write poetry or a song to get it all out of my head, but right now I feel the need to just plain write! Forgive me for writing out of frustration.
I thought I was done with heart ache, at least for a while. I had moved on from a hurtful relationship. I was beginning to let go of bitterness, and was starting to feel love again. I was desperate for God again. I was in Peru, doing what I felt called to do. Now I am back in the USA and life is...complicated again. I do not want to use Peru or missions as an escape from my problems because that way I will not grow or learn. But seriously, little things that happen cause my mind to leap back in time to places and memories that I thought I had put behind me. Things like driving by a certain field, or seeing my favorite flower. Or walking through a certain WalMart. Being single while a bunch of my long-time friends are getting married. Seriously God, what is going on? I have given You my heart, I have surrendered (for real this time) my wants and opinions to Your will. Is that why all this stuff is happening? All the little things, maybe not meant for harm, hurt so very badly? Why the thoughts that I thought I was mature enough, experienced enough to not think again, are coming at me like a full force wind? Because I have surrendered, the enemy sees it and wants to knock me down.
It is relieving to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way, or that feels this way even right now. We all go through the ups and downs, none of us understand why the downs come. And we all think that it could not get any worse..maybe some think it can not get better. I know it can get better, because I have seen it. I would really like to see it now!
All things considered, I have not right to complain. Like at all. But the great thing about my God is, I can complain and whine and vent until I am out of words - and in the end He can say one word to me, and I am silenced in humility. He is so gosh darn good at making me see my foolishness, but in a loving way. God (Jehovah, the only true God) knows the words on my tongue before I speak them. He knew what I was going to write in this blog before I was even born! I know there is a purpose in all of these things I am feeling and going through. I know that I do not need to worry or over think them. God knows that that is what I tend to do the most. No matter how many times He shows me how foolish it is to worry. No matter how many journal entries I write that He transforms from complaint into praise. I just want to be like Him; to always see the purpose and hope in every situation, to love and forgive and love and forgive.....

Creation

God keeps showing me things that I wrote a long time ago, that speak to my soul now. I wrote this psalm for one of my Elim classes, freshman year.


What can compare to the beauty of creation?
The heavens are crowned with stars that shine,
The fields burst with bounty.
The animals are so numerous and varied; each a display of creative genius.
Yet You, Oh God, have chosen me -
A woman of no great birth, to carry
greater worth than all these things.
You have given me honor
where I have assigned myself to shame.
Your eyes see not my failures,
but rejoice in my potentials.
How can I praise You sufficiently?
For by Your grace I have been crowned
with the beauty of holiness.
Now I will sing with an everlasting song,
Of that which saved me and raised me
From the place of darkness and despair;
Into the marvelous light of hope
That is my Lord.