Lone beauty

Fresh or stale?

I noticed that the majority of my posts are about me. Go figure, right? It's my blog, so why not have things written about me? But even so, I can't help but think that all the sad, emotional, FEELING things I have written are overplayed? I am a girl, but that does not give me some certification to limit the blog-world to viewing only my self-assessment rantings. Now, I could try to draw your interest by making up a colorful story about some random animal or person I don't know - but that is not me. I should not pretend to be something I am not. There are so many people in this world,and each one of us has something good to offer. How often do we offer stale bread because we try to be like the "interesting" people? If we all try to be interesting in ways that are borrowed from another person's personality, the bread is stale! It's old news! A waste of the uniqueness that God put inside of you on purpose! Of course, this is about more than your writing style :) The things I write about and think about are going to be different than the next woman or man (more likely different than the man ;) At the same time, I want to bring more to the table than my diary entries. I want to offer fresh bread, inspired not by others, or by my emotions, but by my Creator.

Somehow He loves me

This day has presented me with heartache beyond my coping level. I have broken down silently inside and out loud in a gas station parking lot. My self pity and loneliness have made me forget the one steady thing in my life - God. He's watched me every moment, holding my hand while I cry, listening to me complain and ask Him the same questions over and over. He's gazed at me with compassion as I pour out my heart in worship and dance, loving me more than I can ever realize. Why He has not given up on me, gotten fed up with me, I cannot understand.
Somehow, He loves me. He loves me in my good and bad times. He loves me when I smile and when I frown. He loves me when I'm laughing and when I'm crying. He loves me when I love Him and when I ignore Him. God longs for me every single moment. He waits excitedly for me to come and spend time with Him. He has eyes only for me. He thinks that I am the most beautiful girl in the world! He will defend and protect me from those who seek to hurt me. He gave His life to protect me.

Heartache

They told me to be careful,
that I should guard my heart.
But of course I did not hear them,
and now I feel I'm falling apart.

We tried to keep some distance,
to make sure that this was right.
But in that we came to realize,
we still were holding tight.

So with time we grew closer,
till our hearts were intertwined.
Or at least that's how I thought it was,
until you said your heart was not mine.

Everything makes me miss you,
such a familiar feeling.
And every time I catch myself,
my conscience goes reeling.

I know I must move on from you,
no sense in clinging to the past.
I just truly hope that this heartache
is el fin, final, last.

Why?

So basically my life has been a prime example of that wonderful roller coaster that we all know and not so much love. Sometimes I am able to write poetry or a song to get it all out of my head, but right now I feel the need to just plain write! Forgive me for writing out of frustration.
I thought I was done with heart ache, at least for a while. I had moved on from a hurtful relationship. I was beginning to let go of bitterness, and was starting to feel love again. I was desperate for God again. I was in Peru, doing what I felt called to do. Now I am back in the USA and life is...complicated again. I do not want to use Peru or missions as an escape from my problems because that way I will not grow or learn. But seriously, little things that happen cause my mind to leap back in time to places and memories that I thought I had put behind me. Things like driving by a certain field, or seeing my favorite flower. Or walking through a certain WalMart. Being single while a bunch of my long-time friends are getting married. Seriously God, what is going on? I have given You my heart, I have surrendered (for real this time) my wants and opinions to Your will. Is that why all this stuff is happening? All the little things, maybe not meant for harm, hurt so very badly? Why the thoughts that I thought I was mature enough, experienced enough to not think again, are coming at me like a full force wind? Because I have surrendered, the enemy sees it and wants to knock me down.
It is relieving to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way, or that feels this way even right now. We all go through the ups and downs, none of us understand why the downs come. And we all think that it could not get any worse..maybe some think it can not get better. I know it can get better, because I have seen it. I would really like to see it now!
All things considered, I have not right to complain. Like at all. But the great thing about my God is, I can complain and whine and vent until I am out of words - and in the end He can say one word to me, and I am silenced in humility. He is so gosh darn good at making me see my foolishness, but in a loving way. God (Jehovah, the only true God) knows the words on my tongue before I speak them. He knew what I was going to write in this blog before I was even born! I know there is a purpose in all of these things I am feeling and going through. I know that I do not need to worry or over think them. God knows that that is what I tend to do the most. No matter how many times He shows me how foolish it is to worry. No matter how many journal entries I write that He transforms from complaint into praise. I just want to be like Him; to always see the purpose and hope in every situation, to love and forgive and love and forgive.....

Creation

God keeps showing me things that I wrote a long time ago, that speak to my soul now. I wrote this psalm for one of my Elim classes, freshman year.


What can compare to the beauty of creation?
The heavens are crowned with stars that shine,
The fields burst with bounty.
The animals are so numerous and varied; each a display of creative genius.
Yet You, Oh God, have chosen me -
A woman of no great birth, to carry
greater worth than all these things.
You have given me honor
where I have assigned myself to shame.
Your eyes see not my failures,
but rejoice in my potentials.
How can I praise You sufficiently?
For by Your grace I have been crowned
with the beauty of holiness.
Now I will sing with an everlasting song,
Of that which saved me and raised me
From the place of darkness and despair;
Into the marvelous light of hope
That is my Lord.

Because I am His

I leave Peru in five days. My emotions are all mixed up. I want to go home but I am afraid of being "lost" when I get there. So much has changed inside and outside of me that the fearful flesh part of me is saying "You are going to face heartache and purposelessness because you will back to your old routine."



But this is what the enemy wants me to believe, not what God has planned! I have to to stop looking at my past (or even my present) and live victoriously in every situation. My God is the ruler of the universe, and has given me the power to overcome fear by the Holy Spirit. No circumstance, no difficulty can undo what He has done in me. I am a woman of purpose. A woman of purpose is not controlled by her emotions, she uses her emotions to aide in her purpose - to advance the kingdom of God.



I am unique and beautiful. I am encouraging and courageous. I am whole without a man because I have The Man with me at all times. The words that I speak and the things that I do are powerful. my life can and does inspire others. I am truly loved, treasured and respected by the Lord. He has put people in my life to help me grow, because He cares about me.



My future is secure in His hand and He cannot drop it or mess it up. I am making a difference in someone's life just by obeying Him. When I feel like I am falling apart, or like I am lost, it is only because I have moved my focus from my Savior's face to my feet.



I am no longer a girl controlled by fear.

I am a woman, armed with praise and testimony, fighting in the army of the Lord.