Becoming an adult?

I have succeeded in accomplishing one, and now two of what my father calls "Passages into Adulthood". For the last four or so months, the majority of my income has gone into putting gasoline into my car. Today, I went off the road into a ditch and had to have it towed out. If all of the passages into adulthood are like this, I think I'd rather go back to being a kid.
It's funny though, even as I was sliding on the road, and down into the ditch, I thought, "I don't think the car is going to flip over." I was scared for sure, but somehow I knew that I was going to be alright. A little peace in the midst of a storm, you know? I did feel shocked, and now trying to remember what happened...I don't know how my car ended up facing the opposite direction from which I was coming. All I remember is praying out loud, "No Jesus, please!", losing control of the car, and being shaken and bumped as I went down. Horrifying. But I am alive. My car is fixable. No one else got hurt.
Of course, I did not feel this calm and positive during the hour that followed the accident. After sitting in a kind police woman's car for about 20 minutes, I got into my mother's car and cried. hard. I was ashamed that I forgot how to handle my car. I was sorry for causing damage to my first car. I felt guilty for bringing another expense to my family. I was disappointed that I could not make it to my internship or my best friend's house. I had been holding in my shock, so that people passing by and the police would not feel too much pity for me. I am independent, I don't like to attract attention(Good luck with that, being off the road on an on-ramp to Rt 490).
When I first got out of my car, I saw the damage done and right away thanked God that I was unharmed. Knowing people who have been in accidents and gotten seriously injured, I was very grateful that I was protected!
That was my day. Since then I have stayed inside; no desire to go anywhere :)

So what's next God?

Admiration Gone Astray

I just finished watching a movie about the man who assassinated Jesse James. Yes, Jesse James who killed 17 plus men and robbed 25 trains and banks in the 1880's. Not the kind of person who you'd want to cross. Not the world's most merciful or benevolent man. Yet this film made you see beyond his infamous acts. His humanity was portrayed in a way that made you almost feel sorry for him, and despise the man who killed him. Yet you also felt sorry for the assassin, for they portrayed his humanity and very hard choices he had to make. He was a member of Jesse's gang, and a long time, hard-core admirer of the outlaw. Like a young boy obsessed with Batman or Spiderman, Bob Ford tried his hardest to be like his hero. To win Jesse James' respect was Ford's goal, so that he too could be noticed for his courage and skill. But when the respect was not given, and jealousy mixed with suspicion, the admiration turned into crippling fear and hate. His hero became his enemy and his desire for fame overrode his loyalty. And so Bob Ford took it upon himself to carry out what some a man's final judgment. The murderer was killed, by another murderer.

Knowing that this story is true, that those people actually existed and lived and died in that way, has a sobering effect on me. After trying and failing to determine which man was more wrong, or who was more deserving, or innocent, I realize something. When you exalt another person to a place of greatness in your eyes, no matter how good or noble that person is, it has the potential, if not the guarantee, to turn to obsession. No human being is greater than his human nature (only God is), and when that hero falls, you are apt to fall in like manner. I do not mean that you will willingly go and do the same exact bad things. However, if your respect for your fallen hero turns to disgrace or bitterness, you are just as capable of doing the same evil as the person you are embarrassed of. Fear grips every heart that has lost its role model, and if not harnessed, that fear can poison the heart to the point of destruction of self or others. This is why you must not place your life's focus on any human being. Dedication, loyalty, love, passion, these are qualities which are good and even necessary. However, be careful that those qualities do not overpower honesty, integrity and humbleness. Praise was not made to be given to men, but to God. Obsession with anything but God is dangerous, because all other things are bound to fail you and thus put you in danger of following suite.

To anyone reading this, let me ask you a few questions. These are also questions which I must ask myself. If you heard two names - the name of someone you loved and respected and admired (a spouse, friend,role model, or even a hobby), and the name of Jesus Christ - at which name would your heart leap? Which person (or thing) would you have more to say about to others? Which one would you spend the rest of the day thinking about?

Which one would you follow til the end of your days?

Which one is more worthy?

Which one will bring you life when all else in you has died?

Thanks-giving

So it's Thanksgiving Day. My brother is home from Virginia for the weekend, they sky is pink and purple, there's a fire in the wood stove, the table is set (we never eat in the dining room unless it's a holiday - go figure). These are all wonderful things which I appreciate, but apart from these in-the-moment pleasures I can't help but think of all that I have been truly blessed with. It is so easy for me to focus on the not-so-nice things, the painful parts of life. For some reason those stay with me more. But in the big-picture version of my life, there have been far many more great things than bad things. For every hardship, God has shown up with three blessings (estimated amount)to counter it.

He has given me a car that I had no money of my own to buy. He has given me a job that allows me to work with kids, which I thought I would never get because I don't have a degree.I fully believe that this is an answer to the prayers of two wonderful women that I met in Peru. I had no faith, but they declared it in faith. Thank you Lord for hearing them!

He has saved my heart from becoming calloused because of failed love relationships. Not only that, but He has opened my eyes to forgive, and see that a large part of the hurt was caused by my pride and not by the other people. God is working on all of us,and sometimes, because we are weak humans, we do stupid things during those lessons. This being the case, what is the point of holding grudges? I do not want to build a wall out of my pride that was hurt by a confused soul.

Because of His love and wisdom, I have lived in the country that I longed to see since I was a small child. I had no idea just how impactful it would be to go on the journey by myself - His presence became my life-preserver. He put me in the home of a man and woman who had lost their daughter when she was just a baby. She was born two years before me. When I came to them, I became their daughter. I found family in every face, in every embrace I encountered. It is the best feeling I've known, to be loved and give love in a place far from this small,selfish world called the United States.

Please friends. The next time you can't see the happiness in your life, when you are feeling like there's too much sorrow to handle - think of the big picture of your life. There are things much greater than your heartaches, and if you focus on those things, you will find your heart lifted.

Sour turned to Sweet

Friendships that have wide gaps of time and distance between them make reunion seem all the sweeter. For seven months my perspective on a particular friend was formed majorly by the perspective of others. Though I loved this friend dearly, so much of my thoughts involving her had been brought on by, or caused pain because of the source from which they came. I have longed desperately to see my friend face to face and to speak to her, free of filters. I knew that if I could hug her for myself, not through the thoughts and feelings of another, things would not be so painful.

I got to see my friend yesterday. I almost cried as we hugged, out of sheer relief and joy at seeing her myself! I felt healing come even in that short time, and all I could think of was, not the pain I had felt for so long, but the love and preciousness of my dear friend! To know her as she is, not as she was. Oh,all that jealousy I felt was such a waste of engery! She has never intentionally made me feel unimportant or less beautiful. That was my imagination fueled by pain. By pride. I let the effect she had on another taint our friendship in my mind. But oh Jesus! I can't help but smile now :)

Those feelings, those thoughts... they're all in the past, and I have no reason to look back. No reason! My Jesus, my God, He has offered me the chance of a lifetime: to look on His face and follow Him, wherever He leads me!! What an adventure! I am aware that adventure entails joy, sorrow, brokenness, excitement, hope, doubt, fear, confidence, darkness and light. I know that my faith will be tested and strengthened. But I am eager to see it happen because piece by piece, God is showing me just how free I am in Him. He has restored friendship to its rightful condition, and is in the process of wooing my heart back to where it should be: in His hands.

Thank you Father for loving me so much that You have given my heart rest. You let me rest in Your arms while you teach me the hard lessons. Thank You!

More than Enough in my Not Enough

Why do my thoughts waster their time on this? It's old, no longer existent, pointless to hold on to. Memories can be cherished yes, but if they hold me back then I would rather forget. I need to move on not just in my actions but in my thoughts as well. I even had a dream about it last night. In it, memories became the now; I was happy and hopeful that it was real. But when light shown through my eyelids and I woke up, it was realized to be a dream, and I felt ashamed.What is keeping me from forgetting? Are these wishes, that I wish I did not have, going to stop? Is there a purpose for them? If not, I implore God to take them.
I would not mind these thoughts and dreams so much if the possibility of their reality was not out of sight. If I could detect the slightest hint of warmness or caring...but I feel none.

God, I don't know if this is Your doing or not. I've laid down my heart and my understanding. I want to please You, I want to follow You, I want to be devoted to You alone. My mind is haunted by happiness that I can't have, at least not that kind of happiness. Oh Father, show me, remind me again of what real happiness is! Joy that never passes, that brings LIFE to my very soul! Jesus Christ is the only One I need, and He is MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME. This does not mean He is enough for just the basic, necessary, boring stuff. He gives me even the little things that I long for, like love and romance and acceptance and just being able to be myself.

That is what it means when I say He is more than enough for me. He is more than enough for you, too. He knows how to melt your heart, because you melt His. He knows how to keep your trust, for He is always faithful. He knows how to hold your hand and make you feel like you'll live forever, because He is LIFE.

Lone beauty

Fresh or stale?

I noticed that the majority of my posts are about me. Go figure, right? It's my blog, so why not have things written about me? But even so, I can't help but think that all the sad, emotional, FEELING things I have written are overplayed? I am a girl, but that does not give me some certification to limit the blog-world to viewing only my self-assessment rantings. Now, I could try to draw your interest by making up a colorful story about some random animal or person I don't know - but that is not me. I should not pretend to be something I am not. There are so many people in this world,and each one of us has something good to offer. How often do we offer stale bread because we try to be like the "interesting" people? If we all try to be interesting in ways that are borrowed from another person's personality, the bread is stale! It's old news! A waste of the uniqueness that God put inside of you on purpose! Of course, this is about more than your writing style :) The things I write about and think about are going to be different than the next woman or man (more likely different than the man ;) At the same time, I want to bring more to the table than my diary entries. I want to offer fresh bread, inspired not by others, or by my emotions, but by my Creator.