I need not understand

What is going on??
I have discovered love that I thought would never come, I have emptied the dumpster of my piled up heart-garbage, I have been allowed and held back...so much to think about in the past few days. Now I stand, having made the decision to obey, but unsure of how to do it. How can I feel one thing and do another? I have relied upon my emotions and "trusted my heart" for so long that even though I have peace about my decision, I struggle with the application. I can "do" and "not do" things easily, but what of my feelings and thoughts? Are they not just as powerful as the actions?

I know that God has given me the ability to obey - to walk it out. My confusion is His understanding. My weakness is His strength. My doubt is His assurance. He has a plan for me, and it is great. He knows that my heart is for His will, and that I really do want Him more than anything or anyone. My Jesus is jealous for me, and wants me to go to HIM for comfort and love. And I want Him! I need Him! I cannot love another person if I do not love God with my whole heart first!!

Oh Abba, I long for Your embrace! To feel you in every move I make. I am sorry for even thinking about loving someone more than You. The very idea hurts me, so it must hurt You much more. I do not know what You are doing or why, but I know that You are good, and that you love us. If we surrender our desires to You, then we will find peace. Not only that, but we will live with confidence, and living as a testimony of your power. Thank You for speaking to my heart and making things line up so we are on the same page. Even when nothing makes sense to me, You bring amazing things out of these situations.
Lord, I commit my heart to Your leanings, and I will seek Your desires. I commit the one I love to You, trusting that you will use him mightily, because You have called him. Increase his faith oh Father; bless him beyond his understanding.

Jesus you are worthy of my life, so I give it to you. Every part of it, no matter what. I love you Daddy. Glory to You!
So be it.

My thoughts of late

So I have not written on here in a while.I have been thinking differently lately, at least I hope that I have. For one thing, my perspective on what I need versus what I want is becoming clearer. The thing I want may or may not be the same as what God wants for me, but regardless of that, what He wants is going to happen. And it is the best option. He hears all of my cries,understands my pain, and feels my joy. And He is constantly with me, by my side every waking moment. He enjoys my company and is jealous for it. When my heart aches for love, He eagerly stretches out His hand and asks, "Will you dance with Me?" It is my choice whether to let Him lead me, or stay sitting in my corner, feeling sad because life is not going my way. The King of the whole world is pursuing me, night and day!!
Just now, I am realizing something. I always ask God to show me His way for me, for Him to lead me, to show me the next step. But do I actually get up and let Him lead? He has the path laid out, and is waiting for me to join Him. Am I spending so much time begging Him to lead me that I am not stopping to let Him to do it?
Sometimes my insecurity gets so big that everything I use to be proud of, or even grateful for, becomes insignificant and ugly in my eyes. My gifts are diminished to mere show-off attempts at a godly life, that fail to please anyone, much less God. Is my dancing in worship really worship? Should I hold still more, focus on His voice? Would holding still help me hear His voice? Sometimes I feel like nothing I do is the right thing to do. But this is all the lie of the enemy. He loves speaking confusion into our souls, turning our eyes from Jesus to ourselves.It's not about me,it's about Jesus Christ and what He does!! If I focus on Him, everything else falls into the right place, and I need not worry.

the outpouring of a broken but healing heart

As a broken vessel I have lived
Alone in my depressed state of independence
Thrown to the ground by my freedom of choice
Knowing only the pain of self-rejection
No peace found in the silence.

I will

I will remain open to God's directions, not governed by my feelings alone. I will not jump into anything without first taking into account the consequences. I will listen seriously to the advice of people who have proven themselves to be wise. I will not make excuses for my mistakes. I will trust and believe God for the right answers at the right time. I will not let my worry overshadow the King's power. I will worship Him at all times.

I will always be His daughter.

What I learned in 2010

More than any love, His love is consuming.
When the world sees my weakness, He sees my beauty.
When all my hope has been placed on one, and it is crushed, He takes my face in his hands and looks into my eyes. He sees my soul and fulfills all of my hopes.
I am found faultless in his sight. In fact, I am righteous, bright, crowned with glory!
I am lacking nothing. Everything about me is wonderful because He made me.
I have much less faith than I thought, and He is much more faithful than I thought.
He knows what I need before I do.
He has the map of my life laid out before Him, and he is watching me with joy as I walk along it. When I fall or go off the path, he sets up an obstacle that makes me give up on my strength and turn to Him for direction.

Love Song

Dancing in the moonlight
to the sound of the breeze
Flying in the heavens with your love as my wings.

Your softspoken words
 caress my heart, and mend what has been torn apart.
Your beautiful eyes holding mine won't let go
for in them I've found a hope.

Dancing on the shoreline
 to the sound of the waves
Walking on the waters
in your love I can be safe

Your softspoken words
 caress my heart, and mend what has been torn apart.
Your beautiful eyes holding mine, won't let go
for in them I've found a hope.

  (Ember Days)

My Soul Longs for You

My soul longs for You

My soul longs for You

And nothing else will do

Nothing else will do

(Jesus Culture)

This is the song that comes from my heart

I sing with words and struggle for the right ones

But this is what it comes to

All of my cries

All of my struggles
All of my joys
All of my fears
All of my passion
Embraced in this phrase.

So many things are put into my mind
I lose count
More than my soul can bear
My mind gets lost

Ache sets in and my faith

disappears.

I realize over again

You are the best answer

You are the only answer

Nothing else will do

No nothing.

My heart has room for one thing;

You are the love

That sets me free.

Now I come into Your presence
Silent words pouring out from my mouth
All I can say is
"My soul longs for You"