Why?

So basically my life has been a prime example of that wonderful roller coaster that we all know and not so much love. Sometimes I am able to write poetry or a song to get it all out of my head, but right now I feel the need to just plain write! Forgive me for writing out of frustration.
I thought I was done with heart ache, at least for a while. I had moved on from a hurtful relationship. I was beginning to let go of bitterness, and was starting to feel love again. I was desperate for God again. I was in Peru, doing what I felt called to do. Now I am back in the USA and life is...complicated again. I do not want to use Peru or missions as an escape from my problems because that way I will not grow or learn. But seriously, little things that happen cause my mind to leap back in time to places and memories that I thought I had put behind me. Things like driving by a certain field, or seeing my favorite flower. Or walking through a certain WalMart. Being single while a bunch of my long-time friends are getting married. Seriously God, what is going on? I have given You my heart, I have surrendered (for real this time) my wants and opinions to Your will. Is that why all this stuff is happening? All the little things, maybe not meant for harm, hurt so very badly? Why the thoughts that I thought I was mature enough, experienced enough to not think again, are coming at me like a full force wind? Because I have surrendered, the enemy sees it and wants to knock me down.
It is relieving to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way, or that feels this way even right now. We all go through the ups and downs, none of us understand why the downs come. And we all think that it could not get any worse..maybe some think it can not get better. I know it can get better, because I have seen it. I would really like to see it now!
All things considered, I have not right to complain. Like at all. But the great thing about my God is, I can complain and whine and vent until I am out of words - and in the end He can say one word to me, and I am silenced in humility. He is so gosh darn good at making me see my foolishness, but in a loving way. God (Jehovah, the only true God) knows the words on my tongue before I speak them. He knew what I was going to write in this blog before I was even born! I know there is a purpose in all of these things I am feeling and going through. I know that I do not need to worry or over think them. God knows that that is what I tend to do the most. No matter how many times He shows me how foolish it is to worry. No matter how many journal entries I write that He transforms from complaint into praise. I just want to be like Him; to always see the purpose and hope in every situation, to love and forgive and love and forgive.....

Creation

God keeps showing me things that I wrote a long time ago, that speak to my soul now. I wrote this psalm for one of my Elim classes, freshman year.


What can compare to the beauty of creation?
The heavens are crowned with stars that shine,
The fields burst with bounty.
The animals are so numerous and varied; each a display of creative genius.
Yet You, Oh God, have chosen me -
A woman of no great birth, to carry
greater worth than all these things.
You have given me honor
where I have assigned myself to shame.
Your eyes see not my failures,
but rejoice in my potentials.
How can I praise You sufficiently?
For by Your grace I have been crowned
with the beauty of holiness.
Now I will sing with an everlasting song,
Of that which saved me and raised me
From the place of darkness and despair;
Into the marvelous light of hope
That is my Lord.

Because I am His

I leave Peru in five days. My emotions are all mixed up. I want to go home but I am afraid of being "lost" when I get there. So much has changed inside and outside of me that the fearful flesh part of me is saying "You are going to face heartache and purposelessness because you will back to your old routine."



But this is what the enemy wants me to believe, not what God has planned! I have to to stop looking at my past (or even my present) and live victoriously in every situation. My God is the ruler of the universe, and has given me the power to overcome fear by the Holy Spirit. No circumstance, no difficulty can undo what He has done in me. I am a woman of purpose. A woman of purpose is not controlled by her emotions, she uses her emotions to aide in her purpose - to advance the kingdom of God.



I am unique and beautiful. I am encouraging and courageous. I am whole without a man because I have The Man with me at all times. The words that I speak and the things that I do are powerful. my life can and does inspire others. I am truly loved, treasured and respected by the Lord. He has put people in my life to help me grow, because He cares about me.



My future is secure in His hand and He cannot drop it or mess it up. I am making a difference in someone's life just by obeying Him. When I feel like I am falling apart, or like I am lost, it is only because I have moved my focus from my Savior's face to my feet.



I am no longer a girl controlled by fear.

I am a woman, armed with praise and testimony, fighting in the army of the Lord.

a Peruvian snippit

God is so faithful!!!! He loves His children so much!! He wants the best for us!!! He knows the deepest parts of our hearts!! And we can trust Him!!

This is what I have been learning in Peru. Coming to new place, farthest away from home that I've been, by myself, has caused me to see beyond myself. I have to see people and circumstances through God's eyes if I am to live with purpose. Life without God is void of purpose. I cannot have real peace unless I ask Him for it! And He always, always, always answers. And with the peace He gives hope. Hope does not always come like a wave, sometimes it creeps up into your heart until you notice it and enjoy it.

Lost Innocence

It makes my heart hurt when I see other people's pain. The worst pain comes from seeing a friend's character tainted by a jaded view on life and her worth as a woman.My first reaction is to be angry, and to tell her that she is not living or speaking like the Christian that she says she is. How can you say that you are a Christian and then show yourself to the world in a completely different light?? But that is addressing the surface - the problem of the moment.
Innocence is not just our actions, it is the condition of our hearts and minds. What makes a girl turn from a picture of innocent beauty into a virtual whore? (Oh how it hurts to use that name for someone I love!But there is no other way to say it without numbing the truth)Out of the mouth the heart speaks, so don't tell me that it is just "creativity". It is pain and desperation masked as passion.
I cannot claim complete innocence in my life, except through the blood of Jesus. I have been in that place where my hormones controlled me and found myself sinking into a dark, scary place where my only company was another heart searching for love in the wrong way. I can think back on those feelings and try to understand how I may have gotten to the same place as this girl. But it is like a dark, bottomless hole that sucks me in, and I was not freed from those chains to go back to them.
I want to make her see, to help her out of the pit she's digging for herself. But how can I help her out if she does not acknowledge that she is doing it? My words can only go so far.
Oh my God! Please Father, go into her heart, to the place I cannot reach her. Open her eyes to Your love for her so that she will find her pleasure in You! Heal her heart that has been broken so many times. Let the pain that causes her to find her value in sexuality and lust be washed away by Your blood. Hold her close and convince her of her worth. Help me oh Father to be an example of living in freedom. Use me in whatever way You want to help my precious sister. Thank you God.
Amen.

Honor

What is honor?
The way to live under people in authority, but not only the ones you agree with. Submission and obedience go hand in hand. Submission is the attitude, obedience is the act. Do you obey the law and complain about it? You are not giving honor. Do you promise to obey the law, and then go against it? You are not giving honor. Our best intentions are worthless if we do not act on them.
God says in His Word that He has appointed all authority on earth. Even the leaders that seem evil or unwise to us are appointed by Him for a purpose. God appointed Saul to be the king of Israel, and he ended up being bad news. He spent his latter years trying to kill David out of jealousy, who had once been like a son to him. He killed thousands of innocent people. But David refused to kill him, because he was anointed by God. No matter who your authority is, or how they act, it is your duty to honor them. This does not mean that if they tell you to kill someone, you should do it. If what they do does not line up with what the Bible directly says, then don't copy them! However this does not give you the freedom to talk behind their back to your coworkers, friends or family. Leave judgment up to God - it's His job not yours. When you complain about rules, criticize the way someone runs a business, dismiss your pastor's wisdom as arrogance (most likely because of your own arrogance), or tell your parents "Don't tell me what to do, you don't understand me", you are directing all those things at God.Because they are His chosen ones, they are His representatives. Whether you like it or not.
So, what now? What if your boss is the worst planner on the planet? What if your pastor's ministry decisions go against what you feel is right? What if your parents never encourage you and always put you down?
Wait on the Lord. They will receive their judgment, whatever that may be, when they meet Him. Pray for them.God will honor that. He hears us, and loves us so much that He does what He knows is best. He can do miracles after all.

Mindless Reflection

Memories make imagination fly
Take over.
Droplets of rain on a foggy morn
Moisten the ground of my mind.
Some gray some white
The dividing line fades.
My thoughts mingle
Interrupt each other.
What is this insanity?
Makes me kiss the air
Say a prayer.
Wishing time would change
No, stay the same.
Dismissing clouds
That hold me back.
Put forth my fist
Then collapse again.
Colorful infusions exaggerate
My feelings.
Little bird fly
From tree to tree.
Cannot stay long
Even if I try.
Yellow school bus rings out
Lonely cold mornings.
Step away, run to the field
Tears fall from pain remembered.
Why bring them back?
War over this
Field of beans.
Memories scatter in the wind
Imagination take a bow.
Welcome glory
Hosanna You are here.
Please stay to help me
Forget so I can remember.