Love Song

Dancing in the moonlight
to the sound of the breeze
Flying in the heavens with your love as my wings.

Your softspoken words
 caress my heart, and mend what has been torn apart.
Your beautiful eyes holding mine won't let go
for in them I've found a hope.

Dancing on the shoreline
 to the sound of the waves
Walking on the waters
in your love I can be safe

Your softspoken words
 caress my heart, and mend what has been torn apart.
Your beautiful eyes holding mine, won't let go
for in them I've found a hope.

  (Ember Days)

My Soul Longs for You

My soul longs for You

My soul longs for You

And nothing else will do

Nothing else will do

(Jesus Culture)

This is the song that comes from my heart

I sing with words and struggle for the right ones

But this is what it comes to

All of my cries

All of my struggles
All of my joys
All of my fears
All of my passion
Embraced in this phrase.

So many things are put into my mind
I lose count
More than my soul can bear
My mind gets lost

Ache sets in and my faith

disappears.

I realize over again

You are the best answer

You are the only answer

Nothing else will do

No nothing.

My heart has room for one thing;

You are the love

That sets me free.

Now I come into Your presence
Silent words pouring out from my mouth
All I can say is
"My soul longs for You"

What do I really believe?

This is a poem that I wrote out of my own feelings at present. It expresses what I think most of us go through in our walk with God. We feel trapped, and then we find freedom in God's grace. We get passionate and our outlook changes. But then something happens that brings us back to selfishness...to looking at our pain rather than His healing. I hope that this helps you to recognize something about your own faith...what do you believe about your God?


I feel like a wound festering under a bandaid.
I feel like a rain cloud, heavy and depressing.
I feel like a prisoner of war;
 the war is between my heart and my mind.

It's time to end this war.
Time to set the record straight.
No more nestling into the lies
that I tell myself.
I have found comfort in the consistancy of pain
and self-pity.

But no more.
I am not without escape;
The cell door is open wide.
My rescue has come and extends His hand.
Now I must take it...
Yes! Yes I will follow You!
You make my heart feel alive.
You turn my walking into dancing.
My smile shines when I think of You.
You make me see beyond myself.
Together, we will take the nations for Your Kingdom!
You are my King!!


But oh...this means I have to trust You.
Can I trust You?
You are not a man that You should lie.
But they all failed me, and You made them.
You are powerful...but not I am so weak!

I am all alone!
My issues are so big and so many..
How can I go on when my heart is broken??
There is no one who will ever be able to help me.
I am obviously not lovable enough for anyone to stay.
I have burried myself too deep.
I am just not good enough.


WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!



Oh Jesus.
What have I become? That I would think of You this way?
How can I be so angry?
I am sorry Lord. Please...oh please forgive Me!
You are not like them;
You are not weak like them.
You are not showing me kindness
Just to get something from me.
You really love me.
Right?

Taking out the Trash

It seems like God always brings out the trash that I've let build up in my heart-basket at times when I am just starting to feel comfortable again. I was excited because I thought that I had dealt with my pain. I had been able to go through my day without getting angry or feeling shame. But no...I had not dealt with it. I had only pushed the garbage down so I could not see it.
In one day I realized just how much I still hurt. Yesterday started out with a change to my plans. I was so excited for what was going to happen. Two of my best friends were coming to my home church, and I had subconsciously built up expectations for all the fun things that we would do. But one of my friends got sick, and my attitude went from joyful to selfish. I was angry at God for letting this happen.... I was upset because my plans were messed up. I slipped into a feeling that I had not felt since...this summer.
Even though this situation was totally not the same, the feelings came just as strong.

 I felt like everything I wanted, I could never have because that's just the way it is. I get my hopes up and then I am layed flat by disappointment.

I realized last night something that I have been blind to. I have been afraid to deeply care for someone because I am afraid of getting hurt again. If I am attracted to someone, I expect them to be attracted to someone else. I expect them to be unloyal. So I scold myself and reason why I should not, cannot love someone.

While my other friends and I were hanging out, a point came when a tension arose between them. I felt like an awkward presence, so I excused myself so they could work things out. I sat in a dark room by myself, waiting for everything to get better. Being my stupid self, I called someone who use to make me feel loved, but no longer. That conversation ended when I hung up after waiting for 5 minutes while the friend attended to something else.

 I allow myself to care for others, and attend to their needs, because I think that if I can help them, it will help me feel better. But what yesterday showed me is that I pour out, but do not allow myself to be poured into. Not by people anyway. I have become accustomed to loving with all my heart, but receing only superficial, guilt-driven love in return. I don't want to do it anymore.

I'm sick of it.

My eyes have been set on myself and those around me. I lift my eyes to heaven when I worship, but when I walk out of the chapel, my eyes are on me. I have trusted God for practical, necessary things. But I have not trusted Him to take care of my heart. I do not believe that He can overcome the affects of my past. In my mind, I know He can. But my heart does not know it.

Oh Dear God. There are no words sufficient to express what I want to say. You know my weakness. You know my hatred and my bitterness. Yet you love me and want to bless me. You are opening up the wounds that I have let fester. I will hold on tightly to Your hand, because it hurts. Open my eyes to the goodness of what You are doing. Move my eyes to you, Jesus; to the empty tomb!

Studying

It's one of those days

when all responsibility looms

like a heavy cloud,threatening to rain.

But when I sit down with my book and notes

everything else becomes louder and more exciting.

I am tempted to throw it all out,

and rely fully on God's grace;

a good practice when you have no choice.

Now is not the time to stare into space

there is knowledge to retain at a steady pace.

See, I am rhyming rather than memorizing.

Ohhh I know that if I have faith

God will aid me.

Having faith does not mean not putting forth effort.

Faith without works is dead. Darn it.

God uses the reluctant

When Moses heard God say that he was to go to Pharoah, and demand that his slaves be set free, all of his fears and insecurities rose up. He argued with God, saying that he was not the man for the job. He was not eloquent, he was nobody important; he was scared stiff. After God assured Moses that He would help him, and assigned Aaron to be his speaker, the shepherd in the desert finally gave in and did what he was asked.

What difference would there have been if Moses had not been reluctant when God called him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt? I've heard it said that God does not look for ability, but for availability. Moses did not think he was able, and at first, he did not seem available in the sense that he did not have a willing attitude. God can call me to somet,hing that feels very odd and scary to me. He calls me to do things that I cannot do on my own. I simply can't. Why does he do that? Because He knows that I will have to depend completely on Him! When He called Moses, He did not expect Moses to be able to lead the Israelites by himself. God knew that he would be afraid and reluctant. Moses' fear provided an opportunity for God to be glorified.

Red Apathy

During a worship service tonight, God played out something in my mind that brought me unspeakable joy and refreshment. When I went to write it all down in my journal, it came out as a poem.The words do not give the full detail of what I saw, but here it is.

Feild of red apathy
In comes a dark intruder
Fear and hatred set in
All becomes black.

Down falls the Rock of Ages

Blood cascades and darkness is crushed.

Light shines all around
Butterflies arise from the feild
New life fills the air
Beauty released by the Rock of Ages

The 'red apathy' and 'darkness' in the poem were actually ladybugs in my vision. I don't know if there is any significance to this...does anyone know?

Will He guard me?

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like screaming, complaining, or crying for no apparent reason? I know that at least all females will answer yes to that, and maybe some men as well. It really is a scary feeling, and rather a nuisance. One little thing triggers one little thought that in turn ruins my attitude for the whole day. This is not how I want to live.
The Bible tells me to guard my heart and tame my tongue. I can tame my tongue with too much trouble - I shut my mouth and keep completely quiet (sometimes to the extent where I build up pride for my "matureness" in handling myself well). But guarding my heart is something which I find very difficult. Especially being in the city, there are many things that come up which threaten the purity of my thoughts, and in turn, my heart. How do I guard my heart from shame? Jealousy? Apathy? Bitterness? Lust?
God promises to keep us safe and to bring us victory. This morning, on my way to church, I read Psalm 91. Read the whole chapter and you will see the promises. Here are a few which I find especially encouraging.

Ps 91:3"Surely He shall deviler you from the snare of the fowler and from the perilous pestilence. He shall cover you with His feathers, and under his wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler."
 91:13-15 "You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra, the young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot. Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because he has known My name. He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honour him."

Ps 93:4 "The Lord on high is mightier than the noise of many waters, than the mighty waves of the sea."

you and me

It's You and me,
and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off you.

I was meditating on these words, and I figured out why I am always attracted to this song. It was written in relation to a girl, but what if I sing it to God?
Being in NYC and seeing all of the people here - all so unique and interesting with their individual stories - I am starting to understand that they represent my heavenly Father. As Christians, we hear all the time that we are made in the image of God and represent Christ. But rarely do we apply that to other people. 'If they are not Christians, they do not represent Christ at all.' That is our mindset. We may not admit it, but I am admitting it because it has been true for me. God made ALL mankind in His image, whether they have chosen to accept Him yet or not. As we grow in relationship with Him, we are conformed even more to Jesus Christ's image (this should be our goal). So do not despise the seed that has not sprouted yet.
Anyway, my point is, that when I see 'all of the people', I see God! I see His creation! That is why I can't keep my eyes off of You! Every time I look at someone's face, I look at the handiwork and earthly representations of my God.

We are all homeless

Going out and meeting the needs of the men and women who live on the streets of New York City has completely changed my perspective on life. These are people who at one time had a life like mine - some even better off- and are now living with nothing but themselves. Even so, they have strong minds and opinions. They have not lost their potential just because they are homeless. One of my friends asked me the other day, "How can we worship a homeless man on Sunday and ignore a homeless man on Monday?"
We met a man named Eddie who was sleeping on the steps of a church. We saw so many wealthy people pass by, and look confusedly at us because we were talking to a homeless man. Others completely ignored us. They were too busy to care about Eddie. I wonder how many of those people attend a church on Sunday, and worship Jesus? He was homeless. He said Himself that this world was not his home; that His Father is in heaven. We are the same, if we have accepted Jesus into our lives. We are all homeless. So then, let us begin to practice what we have been taught since childhood:
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
"Love your neighbor as yourself."

In HIs World

I have decided to let the blogging world into my world. Well, it's more like God's world....not mine. He just loves me so much that He put me in it.