Why?

So basically my life has been a prime example of that wonderful roller coaster that we all know and not so much love. Sometimes I am able to write poetry or a song to get it all out of my head, but right now I feel the need to just plain write! Forgive me for writing out of frustration.
I thought I was done with heart ache, at least for a while. I had moved on from a hurtful relationship. I was beginning to let go of bitterness, and was starting to feel love again. I was desperate for God again. I was in Peru, doing what I felt called to do. Now I am back in the USA and life is...complicated again. I do not want to use Peru or missions as an escape from my problems because that way I will not grow or learn. But seriously, little things that happen cause my mind to leap back in time to places and memories that I thought I had put behind me. Things like driving by a certain field, or seeing my favorite flower. Or walking through a certain WalMart. Being single while a bunch of my long-time friends are getting married. Seriously God, what is going on? I have given You my heart, I have surrendered (for real this time) my wants and opinions to Your will. Is that why all this stuff is happening? All the little things, maybe not meant for harm, hurt so very badly? Why the thoughts that I thought I was mature enough, experienced enough to not think again, are coming at me like a full force wind? Because I have surrendered, the enemy sees it and wants to knock me down.
It is relieving to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way, or that feels this way even right now. We all go through the ups and downs, none of us understand why the downs come. And we all think that it could not get any worse..maybe some think it can not get better. I know it can get better, because I have seen it. I would really like to see it now!
All things considered, I have not right to complain. Like at all. But the great thing about my God is, I can complain and whine and vent until I am out of words - and in the end He can say one word to me, and I am silenced in humility. He is so gosh darn good at making me see my foolishness, but in a loving way. God (Jehovah, the only true God) knows the words on my tongue before I speak them. He knew what I was going to write in this blog before I was even born! I know there is a purpose in all of these things I am feeling and going through. I know that I do not need to worry or over think them. God knows that that is what I tend to do the most. No matter how many times He shows me how foolish it is to worry. No matter how many journal entries I write that He transforms from complaint into praise. I just want to be like Him; to always see the purpose and hope in every situation, to love and forgive and love and forgive.....

Creation

God keeps showing me things that I wrote a long time ago, that speak to my soul now. I wrote this psalm for one of my Elim classes, freshman year.


What can compare to the beauty of creation?
The heavens are crowned with stars that shine,
The fields burst with bounty.
The animals are so numerous and varied; each a display of creative genius.
Yet You, Oh God, have chosen me -
A woman of no great birth, to carry
greater worth than all these things.
You have given me honor
where I have assigned myself to shame.
Your eyes see not my failures,
but rejoice in my potentials.
How can I praise You sufficiently?
For by Your grace I have been crowned
with the beauty of holiness.
Now I will sing with an everlasting song,
Of that which saved me and raised me
From the place of darkness and despair;
Into the marvelous light of hope
That is my Lord.