Thanks-giving

So it's Thanksgiving Day. My brother is home from Virginia for the weekend, they sky is pink and purple, there's a fire in the wood stove, the table is set (we never eat in the dining room unless it's a holiday - go figure). These are all wonderful things which I appreciate, but apart from these in-the-moment pleasures I can't help but think of all that I have been truly blessed with. It is so easy for me to focus on the not-so-nice things, the painful parts of life. For some reason those stay with me more. But in the big-picture version of my life, there have been far many more great things than bad things. For every hardship, God has shown up with three blessings (estimated amount)to counter it.

He has given me a car that I had no money of my own to buy. He has given me a job that allows me to work with kids, which I thought I would never get because I don't have a degree.I fully believe that this is an answer to the prayers of two wonderful women that I met in Peru. I had no faith, but they declared it in faith. Thank you Lord for hearing them!

He has saved my heart from becoming calloused because of failed love relationships. Not only that, but He has opened my eyes to forgive, and see that a large part of the hurt was caused by my pride and not by the other people. God is working on all of us,and sometimes, because we are weak humans, we do stupid things during those lessons. This being the case, what is the point of holding grudges? I do not want to build a wall out of my pride that was hurt by a confused soul.

Because of His love and wisdom, I have lived in the country that I longed to see since I was a small child. I had no idea just how impactful it would be to go on the journey by myself - His presence became my life-preserver. He put me in the home of a man and woman who had lost their daughter when she was just a baby. She was born two years before me. When I came to them, I became their daughter. I found family in every face, in every embrace I encountered. It is the best feeling I've known, to be loved and give love in a place far from this small,selfish world called the United States.

Please friends. The next time you can't see the happiness in your life, when you are feeling like there's too much sorrow to handle - think of the big picture of your life. There are things much greater than your heartaches, and if you focus on those things, you will find your heart lifted.

Sour turned to Sweet

Friendships that have wide gaps of time and distance between them make reunion seem all the sweeter. For seven months my perspective on a particular friend was formed majorly by the perspective of others. Though I loved this friend dearly, so much of my thoughts involving her had been brought on by, or caused pain because of the source from which they came. I have longed desperately to see my friend face to face and to speak to her, free of filters. I knew that if I could hug her for myself, not through the thoughts and feelings of another, things would not be so painful.

I got to see my friend yesterday. I almost cried as we hugged, out of sheer relief and joy at seeing her myself! I felt healing come even in that short time, and all I could think of was, not the pain I had felt for so long, but the love and preciousness of my dear friend! To know her as she is, not as she was. Oh,all that jealousy I felt was such a waste of engery! She has never intentionally made me feel unimportant or less beautiful. That was my imagination fueled by pain. By pride. I let the effect she had on another taint our friendship in my mind. But oh Jesus! I can't help but smile now :)

Those feelings, those thoughts... they're all in the past, and I have no reason to look back. No reason! My Jesus, my God, He has offered me the chance of a lifetime: to look on His face and follow Him, wherever He leads me!! What an adventure! I am aware that adventure entails joy, sorrow, brokenness, excitement, hope, doubt, fear, confidence, darkness and light. I know that my faith will be tested and strengthened. But I am eager to see it happen because piece by piece, God is showing me just how free I am in Him. He has restored friendship to its rightful condition, and is in the process of wooing my heart back to where it should be: in His hands.

Thank you Father for loving me so much that You have given my heart rest. You let me rest in Your arms while you teach me the hard lessons. Thank You!

More than Enough in my Not Enough

Why do my thoughts waster their time on this? It's old, no longer existent, pointless to hold on to. Memories can be cherished yes, but if they hold me back then I would rather forget. I need to move on not just in my actions but in my thoughts as well. I even had a dream about it last night. In it, memories became the now; I was happy and hopeful that it was real. But when light shown through my eyelids and I woke up, it was realized to be a dream, and I felt ashamed.What is keeping me from forgetting? Are these wishes, that I wish I did not have, going to stop? Is there a purpose for them? If not, I implore God to take them.
I would not mind these thoughts and dreams so much if the possibility of their reality was not out of sight. If I could detect the slightest hint of warmness or caring...but I feel none.

God, I don't know if this is Your doing or not. I've laid down my heart and my understanding. I want to please You, I want to follow You, I want to be devoted to You alone. My mind is haunted by happiness that I can't have, at least not that kind of happiness. Oh Father, show me, remind me again of what real happiness is! Joy that never passes, that brings LIFE to my very soul! Jesus Christ is the only One I need, and He is MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME. This does not mean He is enough for just the basic, necessary, boring stuff. He gives me even the little things that I long for, like love and romance and acceptance and just being able to be myself.

That is what it means when I say He is more than enough for me. He is more than enough for you, too. He knows how to melt your heart, because you melt His. He knows how to keep your trust, for He is always faithful. He knows how to hold your hand and make you feel like you'll live forever, because He is LIFE.

Lone beauty

Fresh or stale?

I noticed that the majority of my posts are about me. Go figure, right? It's my blog, so why not have things written about me? But even so, I can't help but think that all the sad, emotional, FEELING things I have written are overplayed? I am a girl, but that does not give me some certification to limit the blog-world to viewing only my self-assessment rantings. Now, I could try to draw your interest by making up a colorful story about some random animal or person I don't know - but that is not me. I should not pretend to be something I am not. There are so many people in this world,and each one of us has something good to offer. How often do we offer stale bread because we try to be like the "interesting" people? If we all try to be interesting in ways that are borrowed from another person's personality, the bread is stale! It's old news! A waste of the uniqueness that God put inside of you on purpose! Of course, this is about more than your writing style :) The things I write about and think about are going to be different than the next woman or man (more likely different than the man ;) At the same time, I want to bring more to the table than my diary entries. I want to offer fresh bread, inspired not by others, or by my emotions, but by my Creator.

Somehow He loves me

This day has presented me with heartache beyond my coping level. I have broken down silently inside and out loud in a gas station parking lot. My self pity and loneliness have made me forget the one steady thing in my life - God. He's watched me every moment, holding my hand while I cry, listening to me complain and ask Him the same questions over and over. He's gazed at me with compassion as I pour out my heart in worship and dance, loving me more than I can ever realize. Why He has not given up on me, gotten fed up with me, I cannot understand.
Somehow, He loves me. He loves me in my good and bad times. He loves me when I smile and when I frown. He loves me when I'm laughing and when I'm crying. He loves me when I love Him and when I ignore Him. God longs for me every single moment. He waits excitedly for me to come and spend time with Him. He has eyes only for me. He thinks that I am the most beautiful girl in the world! He will defend and protect me from those who seek to hurt me. He gave His life to protect me.

Heartache

They told me to be careful,
that I should guard my heart.
But of course I did not hear them,
and now I feel I'm falling apart.

We tried to keep some distance,
to make sure that this was right.
But in that we came to realize,
we still were holding tight.

So with time we grew closer,
till our hearts were intertwined.
Or at least that's how I thought it was,
until you said your heart was not mine.

Everything makes me miss you,
such a familiar feeling.
And every time I catch myself,
my conscience goes reeling.

I know I must move on from you,
no sense in clinging to the past.
I just truly hope that this heartache
is el fin, final, last.

Why?

So basically my life has been a prime example of that wonderful roller coaster that we all know and not so much love. Sometimes I am able to write poetry or a song to get it all out of my head, but right now I feel the need to just plain write! Forgive me for writing out of frustration.
I thought I was done with heart ache, at least for a while. I had moved on from a hurtful relationship. I was beginning to let go of bitterness, and was starting to feel love again. I was desperate for God again. I was in Peru, doing what I felt called to do. Now I am back in the USA and life is...complicated again. I do not want to use Peru or missions as an escape from my problems because that way I will not grow or learn. But seriously, little things that happen cause my mind to leap back in time to places and memories that I thought I had put behind me. Things like driving by a certain field, or seeing my favorite flower. Or walking through a certain WalMart. Being single while a bunch of my long-time friends are getting married. Seriously God, what is going on? I have given You my heart, I have surrendered (for real this time) my wants and opinions to Your will. Is that why all this stuff is happening? All the little things, maybe not meant for harm, hurt so very badly? Why the thoughts that I thought I was mature enough, experienced enough to not think again, are coming at me like a full force wind? Because I have surrendered, the enemy sees it and wants to knock me down.
It is relieving to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way, or that feels this way even right now. We all go through the ups and downs, none of us understand why the downs come. And we all think that it could not get any worse..maybe some think it can not get better. I know it can get better, because I have seen it. I would really like to see it now!
All things considered, I have not right to complain. Like at all. But the great thing about my God is, I can complain and whine and vent until I am out of words - and in the end He can say one word to me, and I am silenced in humility. He is so gosh darn good at making me see my foolishness, but in a loving way. God (Jehovah, the only true God) knows the words on my tongue before I speak them. He knew what I was going to write in this blog before I was even born! I know there is a purpose in all of these things I am feeling and going through. I know that I do not need to worry or over think them. God knows that that is what I tend to do the most. No matter how many times He shows me how foolish it is to worry. No matter how many journal entries I write that He transforms from complaint into praise. I just want to be like Him; to always see the purpose and hope in every situation, to love and forgive and love and forgive.....

Creation

God keeps showing me things that I wrote a long time ago, that speak to my soul now. I wrote this psalm for one of my Elim classes, freshman year.


What can compare to the beauty of creation?
The heavens are crowned with stars that shine,
The fields burst with bounty.
The animals are so numerous and varied; each a display of creative genius.
Yet You, Oh God, have chosen me -
A woman of no great birth, to carry
greater worth than all these things.
You have given me honor
where I have assigned myself to shame.
Your eyes see not my failures,
but rejoice in my potentials.
How can I praise You sufficiently?
For by Your grace I have been crowned
with the beauty of holiness.
Now I will sing with an everlasting song,
Of that which saved me and raised me
From the place of darkness and despair;
Into the marvelous light of hope
That is my Lord.

Because I am His

I leave Peru in five days. My emotions are all mixed up. I want to go home but I am afraid of being "lost" when I get there. So much has changed inside and outside of me that the fearful flesh part of me is saying "You are going to face heartache and purposelessness because you will back to your old routine."



But this is what the enemy wants me to believe, not what God has planned! I have to to stop looking at my past (or even my present) and live victoriously in every situation. My God is the ruler of the universe, and has given me the power to overcome fear by the Holy Spirit. No circumstance, no difficulty can undo what He has done in me. I am a woman of purpose. A woman of purpose is not controlled by her emotions, she uses her emotions to aide in her purpose - to advance the kingdom of God.



I am unique and beautiful. I am encouraging and courageous. I am whole without a man because I have The Man with me at all times. The words that I speak and the things that I do are powerful. my life can and does inspire others. I am truly loved, treasured and respected by the Lord. He has put people in my life to help me grow, because He cares about me.



My future is secure in His hand and He cannot drop it or mess it up. I am making a difference in someone's life just by obeying Him. When I feel like I am falling apart, or like I am lost, it is only because I have moved my focus from my Savior's face to my feet.



I am no longer a girl controlled by fear.

I am a woman, armed with praise and testimony, fighting in the army of the Lord.

a Peruvian snippit

God is so faithful!!!! He loves His children so much!! He wants the best for us!!! He knows the deepest parts of our hearts!! And we can trust Him!!

This is what I have been learning in Peru. Coming to new place, farthest away from home that I've been, by myself, has caused me to see beyond myself. I have to see people and circumstances through God's eyes if I am to live with purpose. Life without God is void of purpose. I cannot have real peace unless I ask Him for it! And He always, always, always answers. And with the peace He gives hope. Hope does not always come like a wave, sometimes it creeps up into your heart until you notice it and enjoy it.

Lost Innocence

It makes my heart hurt when I see other people's pain. The worst pain comes from seeing a friend's character tainted by a jaded view on life and her worth as a woman.My first reaction is to be angry, and to tell her that she is not living or speaking like the Christian that she says she is. How can you say that you are a Christian and then show yourself to the world in a completely different light?? But that is addressing the surface - the problem of the moment.
Innocence is not just our actions, it is the condition of our hearts and minds. What makes a girl turn from a picture of innocent beauty into a virtual whore? (Oh how it hurts to use that name for someone I love!But there is no other way to say it without numbing the truth)Out of the mouth the heart speaks, so don't tell me that it is just "creativity". It is pain and desperation masked as passion.
I cannot claim complete innocence in my life, except through the blood of Jesus. I have been in that place where my hormones controlled me and found myself sinking into a dark, scary place where my only company was another heart searching for love in the wrong way. I can think back on those feelings and try to understand how I may have gotten to the same place as this girl. But it is like a dark, bottomless hole that sucks me in, and I was not freed from those chains to go back to them.
I want to make her see, to help her out of the pit she's digging for herself. But how can I help her out if she does not acknowledge that she is doing it? My words can only go so far.
Oh my God! Please Father, go into her heart, to the place I cannot reach her. Open her eyes to Your love for her so that she will find her pleasure in You! Heal her heart that has been broken so many times. Let the pain that causes her to find her value in sexuality and lust be washed away by Your blood. Hold her close and convince her of her worth. Help me oh Father to be an example of living in freedom. Use me in whatever way You want to help my precious sister. Thank you God.
Amen.

Honor

What is honor?
The way to live under people in authority, but not only the ones you agree with. Submission and obedience go hand in hand. Submission is the attitude, obedience is the act. Do you obey the law and complain about it? You are not giving honor. Do you promise to obey the law, and then go against it? You are not giving honor. Our best intentions are worthless if we do not act on them.
God says in His Word that He has appointed all authority on earth. Even the leaders that seem evil or unwise to us are appointed by Him for a purpose. God appointed Saul to be the king of Israel, and he ended up being bad news. He spent his latter years trying to kill David out of jealousy, who had once been like a son to him. He killed thousands of innocent people. But David refused to kill him, because he was anointed by God. No matter who your authority is, or how they act, it is your duty to honor them. This does not mean that if they tell you to kill someone, you should do it. If what they do does not line up with what the Bible directly says, then don't copy them! However this does not give you the freedom to talk behind their back to your coworkers, friends or family. Leave judgment up to God - it's His job not yours. When you complain about rules, criticize the way someone runs a business, dismiss your pastor's wisdom as arrogance (most likely because of your own arrogance), or tell your parents "Don't tell me what to do, you don't understand me", you are directing all those things at God.Because they are His chosen ones, they are His representatives. Whether you like it or not.
So, what now? What if your boss is the worst planner on the planet? What if your pastor's ministry decisions go against what you feel is right? What if your parents never encourage you and always put you down?
Wait on the Lord. They will receive their judgment, whatever that may be, when they meet Him. Pray for them.God will honor that. He hears us, and loves us so much that He does what He knows is best. He can do miracles after all.

Mindless Reflection

Memories make imagination fly
Take over.
Droplets of rain on a foggy morn
Moisten the ground of my mind.
Some gray some white
The dividing line fades.
My thoughts mingle
Interrupt each other.
What is this insanity?
Makes me kiss the air
Say a prayer.
Wishing time would change
No, stay the same.
Dismissing clouds
That hold me back.
Put forth my fist
Then collapse again.
Colorful infusions exaggerate
My feelings.
Little bird fly
From tree to tree.
Cannot stay long
Even if I try.
Yellow school bus rings out
Lonely cold mornings.
Step away, run to the field
Tears fall from pain remembered.
Why bring them back?
War over this
Field of beans.
Memories scatter in the wind
Imagination take a bow.
Welcome glory
Hosanna You are here.
Please stay to help me
Forget so I can remember.

I need not understand

What is going on??
I have discovered love that I thought would never come, I have emptied the dumpster of my piled up heart-garbage, I have been allowed and held back...so much to think about in the past few days. Now I stand, having made the decision to obey, but unsure of how to do it. How can I feel one thing and do another? I have relied upon my emotions and "trusted my heart" for so long that even though I have peace about my decision, I struggle with the application. I can "do" and "not do" things easily, but what of my feelings and thoughts? Are they not just as powerful as the actions?

I know that God has given me the ability to obey - to walk it out. My confusion is His understanding. My weakness is His strength. My doubt is His assurance. He has a plan for me, and it is great. He knows that my heart is for His will, and that I really do want Him more than anything or anyone. My Jesus is jealous for me, and wants me to go to HIM for comfort and love. And I want Him! I need Him! I cannot love another person if I do not love God with my whole heart first!!

Oh Abba, I long for Your embrace! To feel you in every move I make. I am sorry for even thinking about loving someone more than You. The very idea hurts me, so it must hurt You much more. I do not know what You are doing or why, but I know that You are good, and that you love us. If we surrender our desires to You, then we will find peace. Not only that, but we will live with confidence, and living as a testimony of your power. Thank You for speaking to my heart and making things line up so we are on the same page. Even when nothing makes sense to me, You bring amazing things out of these situations.
Lord, I commit my heart to Your leanings, and I will seek Your desires. I commit the one I love to You, trusting that you will use him mightily, because You have called him. Increase his faith oh Father; bless him beyond his understanding.

Jesus you are worthy of my life, so I give it to you. Every part of it, no matter what. I love you Daddy. Glory to You!
So be it.

My thoughts of late

So I have not written on here in a while.I have been thinking differently lately, at least I hope that I have. For one thing, my perspective on what I need versus what I want is becoming clearer. The thing I want may or may not be the same as what God wants for me, but regardless of that, what He wants is going to happen. And it is the best option. He hears all of my cries,understands my pain, and feels my joy. And He is constantly with me, by my side every waking moment. He enjoys my company and is jealous for it. When my heart aches for love, He eagerly stretches out His hand and asks, "Will you dance with Me?" It is my choice whether to let Him lead me, or stay sitting in my corner, feeling sad because life is not going my way. The King of the whole world is pursuing me, night and day!!
Just now, I am realizing something. I always ask God to show me His way for me, for Him to lead me, to show me the next step. But do I actually get up and let Him lead? He has the path laid out, and is waiting for me to join Him. Am I spending so much time begging Him to lead me that I am not stopping to let Him to do it?
Sometimes my insecurity gets so big that everything I use to be proud of, or even grateful for, becomes insignificant and ugly in my eyes. My gifts are diminished to mere show-off attempts at a godly life, that fail to please anyone, much less God. Is my dancing in worship really worship? Should I hold still more, focus on His voice? Would holding still help me hear His voice? Sometimes I feel like nothing I do is the right thing to do. But this is all the lie of the enemy. He loves speaking confusion into our souls, turning our eyes from Jesus to ourselves.It's not about me,it's about Jesus Christ and what He does!! If I focus on Him, everything else falls into the right place, and I need not worry.

the outpouring of a broken but healing heart

As a broken vessel I have lived
Alone in my depressed state of independence
Thrown to the ground by my freedom of choice
Knowing only the pain of self-rejection
No peace found in the silence.

I will

I will remain open to God's directions, not governed by my feelings alone. I will not jump into anything without first taking into account the consequences. I will listen seriously to the advice of people who have proven themselves to be wise. I will not make excuses for my mistakes. I will trust and believe God for the right answers at the right time. I will not let my worry overshadow the King's power. I will worship Him at all times.

I will always be His daughter.

What I learned in 2010

More than any love, His love is consuming.
When the world sees my weakness, He sees my beauty.
When all my hope has been placed on one, and it is crushed, He takes my face in his hands and looks into my eyes. He sees my soul and fulfills all of my hopes.
I am found faultless in his sight. In fact, I am righteous, bright, crowned with glory!
I am lacking nothing. Everything about me is wonderful because He made me.
I have much less faith than I thought, and He is much more faithful than I thought.
He knows what I need before I do.
He has the map of my life laid out before Him, and he is watching me with joy as I walk along it. When I fall or go off the path, he sets up an obstacle that makes me give up on my strength and turn to Him for direction.