I need not understand

What is going on??
I have discovered love that I thought would never come, I have emptied the dumpster of my piled up heart-garbage, I have been allowed and held back...so much to think about in the past few days. Now I stand, having made the decision to obey, but unsure of how to do it. How can I feel one thing and do another? I have relied upon my emotions and "trusted my heart" for so long that even though I have peace about my decision, I struggle with the application. I can "do" and "not do" things easily, but what of my feelings and thoughts? Are they not just as powerful as the actions?

I know that God has given me the ability to obey - to walk it out. My confusion is His understanding. My weakness is His strength. My doubt is His assurance. He has a plan for me, and it is great. He knows that my heart is for His will, and that I really do want Him more than anything or anyone. My Jesus is jealous for me, and wants me to go to HIM for comfort and love. And I want Him! I need Him! I cannot love another person if I do not love God with my whole heart first!!

Oh Abba, I long for Your embrace! To feel you in every move I make. I am sorry for even thinking about loving someone more than You. The very idea hurts me, so it must hurt You much more. I do not know what You are doing or why, but I know that You are good, and that you love us. If we surrender our desires to You, then we will find peace. Not only that, but we will live with confidence, and living as a testimony of your power. Thank You for speaking to my heart and making things line up so we are on the same page. Even when nothing makes sense to me, You bring amazing things out of these situations.
Lord, I commit my heart to Your leanings, and I will seek Your desires. I commit the one I love to You, trusting that you will use him mightily, because You have called him. Increase his faith oh Father; bless him beyond his understanding.

Jesus you are worthy of my life, so I give it to you. Every part of it, no matter what. I love you Daddy. Glory to You!
So be it.

My thoughts of late

So I have not written on here in a while.I have been thinking differently lately, at least I hope that I have. For one thing, my perspective on what I need versus what I want is becoming clearer. The thing I want may or may not be the same as what God wants for me, but regardless of that, what He wants is going to happen. And it is the best option. He hears all of my cries,understands my pain, and feels my joy. And He is constantly with me, by my side every waking moment. He enjoys my company and is jealous for it. When my heart aches for love, He eagerly stretches out His hand and asks, "Will you dance with Me?" It is my choice whether to let Him lead me, or stay sitting in my corner, feeling sad because life is not going my way. The King of the whole world is pursuing me, night and day!!
Just now, I am realizing something. I always ask God to show me His way for me, for Him to lead me, to show me the next step. But do I actually get up and let Him lead? He has the path laid out, and is waiting for me to join Him. Am I spending so much time begging Him to lead me that I am not stopping to let Him to do it?
Sometimes my insecurity gets so big that everything I use to be proud of, or even grateful for, becomes insignificant and ugly in my eyes. My gifts are diminished to mere show-off attempts at a godly life, that fail to please anyone, much less God. Is my dancing in worship really worship? Should I hold still more, focus on His voice? Would holding still help me hear His voice? Sometimes I feel like nothing I do is the right thing to do. But this is all the lie of the enemy. He loves speaking confusion into our souls, turning our eyes from Jesus to ourselves.It's not about me,it's about Jesus Christ and what He does!! If I focus on Him, everything else falls into the right place, and I need not worry.