Taking out the Trash

It seems like God always brings out the trash that I've let build up in my heart-basket at times when I am just starting to feel comfortable again. I was excited because I thought that I had dealt with my pain. I had been able to go through my day without getting angry or feeling shame. But no...I had not dealt with it. I had only pushed the garbage down so I could not see it.
In one day I realized just how much I still hurt. Yesterday started out with a change to my plans. I was so excited for what was going to happen. Two of my best friends were coming to my home church, and I had subconsciously built up expectations for all the fun things that we would do. But one of my friends got sick, and my attitude went from joyful to selfish. I was angry at God for letting this happen.... I was upset because my plans were messed up. I slipped into a feeling that I had not felt since...this summer.
Even though this situation was totally not the same, the feelings came just as strong.

 I felt like everything I wanted, I could never have because that's just the way it is. I get my hopes up and then I am layed flat by disappointment.

I realized last night something that I have been blind to. I have been afraid to deeply care for someone because I am afraid of getting hurt again. If I am attracted to someone, I expect them to be attracted to someone else. I expect them to be unloyal. So I scold myself and reason why I should not, cannot love someone.

While my other friends and I were hanging out, a point came when a tension arose between them. I felt like an awkward presence, so I excused myself so they could work things out. I sat in a dark room by myself, waiting for everything to get better. Being my stupid self, I called someone who use to make me feel loved, but no longer. That conversation ended when I hung up after waiting for 5 minutes while the friend attended to something else.

 I allow myself to care for others, and attend to their needs, because I think that if I can help them, it will help me feel better. But what yesterday showed me is that I pour out, but do not allow myself to be poured into. Not by people anyway. I have become accustomed to loving with all my heart, but receing only superficial, guilt-driven love in return. I don't want to do it anymore.

I'm sick of it.

My eyes have been set on myself and those around me. I lift my eyes to heaven when I worship, but when I walk out of the chapel, my eyes are on me. I have trusted God for practical, necessary things. But I have not trusted Him to take care of my heart. I do not believe that He can overcome the affects of my past. In my mind, I know He can. But my heart does not know it.

Oh Dear God. There are no words sufficient to express what I want to say. You know my weakness. You know my hatred and my bitterness. Yet you love me and want to bless me. You are opening up the wounds that I have let fester. I will hold on tightly to Your hand, because it hurts. Open my eyes to the goodness of what You are doing. Move my eyes to you, Jesus; to the empty tomb!

Studying

It's one of those days

when all responsibility looms

like a heavy cloud,threatening to rain.

But when I sit down with my book and notes

everything else becomes louder and more exciting.

I am tempted to throw it all out,

and rely fully on God's grace;

a good practice when you have no choice.

Now is not the time to stare into space

there is knowledge to retain at a steady pace.

See, I am rhyming rather than memorizing.

Ohhh I know that if I have faith

God will aid me.

Having faith does not mean not putting forth effort.

Faith without works is dead. Darn it.